It has been a long day.
I got some bad news and I was unprepared.
I wonder how would one react when getting bad news on the phone while one's co-workers left and right were chatting happily, laughing with you. Do you still laugh out of courtesy?
I did.
For 2 seconds.Then I thought, I had to go somewhere else, because two seconds were the maximum that I can fake it. And my two seconds was up.

What do you do when the dearest person in your whole world is down about the news? I thought to myself when I heard the news, I have to be the stronger one, I have to hold it together. Because if I break down, he would too. I have to give him encouragement.
Then what I did was to comfort him, while I felt like I could't breathe. I went out without my jacket and just sit outside the office building to get some air.

Then I went for a ride after work. I blasted the music so hard, I can bet that even if a police siren was right behind me, I wouldn't hear it anyway.

And I noticed that even when it's not raining, the world was pretty much dark when your heart is. Some cruel joke my life has played. It made me so mad that I want to throw. Speed. Slash. Slit. Push. Explode. Crush.
All sort of vandalism.
Instead, I went to the grocery store. I crossed the street from the parking lot without looking. Luckily the car stopped. I walked to the frozen section and felt all choked up. I had to stop to pull myself together, turned my face away from anyone who might see and stood there in front of the chicken section, staring at the lifeless pale meat.
Then I went to the cheese section. Grabbed a jar of blue cheese and went to the sales person there.
I meant to say "excuse me". But I stood in front of him, and he looked at me and I opened my mouth, and nothing came out.
No sh**.
I inhaled and forced out some voice.
"Excuse me, Could you check if you have any more of this inside? This is the last one".

In times like this, I, who are a believer of karma, can't stop thinking what I did wrong that made this happened?
All sort of events blinked in my head like 20 different occasions in a second.
My head is spinning. The time I was mad at my mom. Or dad. Or my sister. Or brother. Or people on the road. When I said things I shouldn't say or did what I shouldn't do.
But I wish that after some downtime, I will have some up time. Unlike this.
I'm down here already, and the light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer than ever.

My chest hurts.

Porn

I heard from my mom that my nephew brought back news right after school to his dad that a friend of his was suspended from school for 2 weeks.
Why?
Because during computer class, in the comp lab, that little nine-year-old kid was surfing a porn site. And the teacher caught that.

My nephew is a very geeky smart kid. Very nice kid. Very naive. But, boy, I tell ya, with peer influence like that, I'm fearing for his innocence.
Now, of course, we all experienced this kind of discovery when we are much younger. Some maybe experienced a lot sooner than some others, some maybe exposed more than some others. A friend told me that her dad gathered the family and dropped a bunch of adult magazines and said "Here, if you have to see it behind me anyway, I'd rather you see it in front of me." My friend was only like 14-15 year old.
Wow.
More of it, my boyfriend mentioned like ages ago, that porn industry is one of the biggest internet industry, I don't think this industry is gonna die down. Ever. I just don't understand how it works, is it free for public? Don't you have to register & give your credit card number first to view them?
I don't know.
But the picture of a nine-year-old surfing it is pretty horrible.
El mundo loco.

And when my mom told me over the phone about that, I screamed "Aaaarrgghh..., seriously??"

Then the next thing I thought was, Oh Gosh, I can't even handle this news. It's not even my kid, and it's not him that got the suspension. I'm so gonna be a control freak mom, the type of mom that I do not want to be.

I love my mom, but one of the many things I learned from her is not to be as controlling as her. Sigh, And THEN, the next thing after the previous next thing that I did was giving my mom instruction to tell to my brother to buy parental control softwares to install in their PCs/laptops. I was horrified. From the news and for hearing myself behaved like that.

But anyways, 'nuff about this. People with kids... be aware, and good luck to y'all. God Speed.

I have this Bush quote generator from google & looovee it!
If only we have quote generators for those Indonesian officials too.

Anyway...
Something that I thought was hilarious:


"I've been talking to Vicente Fox, the new president of Mexico -- I know him -- to have gas and oil sent to the United States ... so we'll not depend on foreign oil."
- George W. Bush October 3, 2000

I was driving home from a dinner date with my boyfriend. The weather was nice, today we reached 63 freaking Fahrenheit degree, for crying out loud!!! Yeah!
Life is good, I cracked my windows open a bit, put on my swing out sister CD, belted out 'Am I the same girl?', then while I was trying to hit the high note, I was screaming, singing out loud, I saw a dead 'thing' on the road. right in front of my car.
That 'dead something' most probably was either a gigantic mouse, or squirrel, without the head. And it was too late for me to avoid it, so I had to run over it. I could feel the bump, first on my front left tire then the back left tire.
I was opening my mouth anyway (from singing), but my singing became a real scream.
Aaarrrggghhh...
Yuck yuck yuck YUCK!
AAAARRRGGHHHH.....
Aaarrghhh!!!

I have this OCD thing, where I can't touch even a picture of scary creatures like the ones in national geographic (perfect example would be: pictures of tape worms, or dust mites). And apparently, today I found out that I also can't ran over anything yucky with my car without feeling like I actually step them over with my bare foot.

I know. I'm weird.

Moral of the story: when singing in the car, keep your eyes locked on the road. Don't squint your eyes when hitting the high notes.

well = shop

In the past I would care about this, but not today. And not anymore.
I had set my priority straight, and that didn't make it to the top list.
Isn't it liberating when you throw away the pebbles in your shoes (Especially if your shoes happened to be a pair of knee high boots)?
Then you walk comfortably, you walk tall, you walk straight. No, you don't even walk anymore.
You glide.
I have started to be well and I feel calmer than I can remember.

I know I'm starting to be well once I gained my primal instinct back: shopping.
We're going to the big gigantic outlet mall this weekend.

I guess after doing some impromptu soul searching I found out I don't really miss home.
I just need to save myself from being this corporate bitch and gain my self respect back and get me a new job. I don't do well with office politics. I hate it.
Yeah...
That's it. It's a weird conclusion, I know, but I have the long explanation that you might not really care much about.
And don't ask me what I mean by it, I am too spiteful right now to even think about it.
It weird though how I started to gain my sanity back. It all started in Galena about a month ago when I went to some cute stores that sells cute useless stuff. I always thought that 99.99% of them are junks. But over there, I read a quote from Mary Anne Radmacher, whoever that lady is: "Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is."

Let's see:
Live with intention. Checked.
Walk to the edge. Not checked. What does it means anyway? What if someone is afraid of height?
Listen Hard. Checked, at least I thought I tried.
Practice wellness. Not checked.
Play with abandon. Undecided. Again... what is it that we are talking here? Hm,... you know what. Unchecked.
Laugh. Checked, big time. I love comedy. I even laugh at past tragedy. Right roomie? Tragedy + time = comedy.
Choose with no regret. Checked. I don't do regrets.
Appreciate your friends. Checked. Someone doesn't think so? We'll talk.
Continue to learn. Checked!
Do what you love. UNCHECKED!!!!! That's when I realized. That's when it all began. Bitch slap to my sanity.
Live as if this is all there is. Well,... sigh... sadly unchecked.

And looking at the summary above.
I'm not well. I can't even check 'practice wellness'.
I looked back and thought that I would've checked that one in the past.
Being an adult changes you. Sometimes to the better, but sometimes... not really.

But I'm glad I introspected myself and saw my life in perspective again and start doing something about it. Thank God I haven't lost it.

"Seize the moment! Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart." - Erma Bombeck