Tiny big hole

So,... when I made the previous blog, I was happy to declare that my only problem was the allergy, right?
Right?
Yea, ok... not really anymore. Because on my next visit, when they zoomed into my retina, my doctor found a hole. On the edge of my right retina.
Yes. Retina.
The part where the eyes received the light from outside and translates it to a vision.

Well, not that I was going blind or something.
But I might.
If I let it be.
So, in short, a small chance, I might. But if I'm lucky, I won't.
When I first heard the news from my doctor, it took me a few seconds to digest the news, then I said to her: Well, Doc, now I feel that it is a good thing that I have this allergy, because then you checked my eyes out and found out about this hole.

So I chose to fix this tiny hole, just to prevent, you know, the possibility of my retina being detached and I lose my eyesight.
Yea, I know,... sounds kinda scary. Though, bear in mind, it's a very tiny hole. And so, it might not even happen. Ever.
But, c'mon, by show of hands, if this happen to you, who would just do nothing and see what 's going to happen in the future?
Anyone?
Nope?

It is alright now, though. No worry, the doctor lasered it. And the hole is closed.

But throughout the whole experience, I looked back and realized some things:

1. I'm not as healthy as can be. See, I woke up every morning, thinking I was. I barely ever got really sick. I barely have to go to a doctor, knock on wood. And of all things I have, vision is one of the things I thought I had near perfection.
When I went to this eye doctor and they tested my vision with the letter reading game (you know, you read the letters while it gets smaller and smaller) I aced the test. Hands down. I almost high-fived the nurse. But I guess, even though I have good eye lenses, they are of no use if I got screwed up retina, eh?
Tragic.
So, after this news sank in. I saw the fact. The fact that I'm not invincible. I'm prone to health issues too, just like other people, and accepting that fact wasn't easy at all. I was out of my element, I became cranky in the inside, and I wonder, what else could've gone wrong by now without anyone checking them.
Having said that, my defense mechanism made me put up a damn good wall on the outside. Because I told this news to people with straight-nonchalant face, like I was telling them that I had a zit and the doctor will squeeze its life the heck out of my face.
Pride, maybe, made me do that. I guess I don't want people to pity me, or feel sorry for me. I guess... I don't know why I acted that way. I remember, at work, I would go to the restroom and just locked myself in. Put off my smiley-calm-professional face, and just sat there with my cranky face. No, not crying, but still, I think I was under a lot of stress and I just needed some time-out from people.
So, now, I know how I would react when I have serious fears in life. Yup, I hide my real emotion and fake it real good. Pretend that all is peachy and fine.

2. I need to be careful on how I deliver news to my parents. I almost never regret anything that I did in the past. Because I think, whatever I did in the past, at that very moment when I made a decision, I already thought that it was the best way. The result might prove otherwise, but I don't linger on a second of regret over something. It was done and over with.
But, this time, I have to say, I could've done better when breaking the news. Because I just laid the news out there, flat-out brutal truth on the phone to my mom. And I guess, I could've told her first that it wasn't a big deal, blah blah blah, the laser wouldn't even hurt, and it would be only like 2-3 seconds. And the chance of me having a retinal detachment is small because the hole is tiny,... blah blah blah.
Apparently, I made her cry. I realized that after a long paused on her side and her voice was all nasally. Need to keep in mind that since I am an adult now (wow, did I just say that?) I need to put more thoughts and sensitivity into these kind of things. It should never happen that way again.

My eyes are okay now.
Still the fear is there. Not necessarily about my eyes, but just in general, I feel vulnerable.
And when I have fear, guess what I do?
Yes, I mask it well. Just like I'm doing in this post. Telling the story like my problem is just a tiny zit.

I'm seeing double

I went to an eye doctor on Friday to check on my compulsively itchy eyes. It had been going on for almost a week and I begin to worry. So off I went and get them checked. I knew that the doctor would say that it's allergy. But, I did not know that she'd inspect every single nano-inch of my eyes, including the back of my eyes. In the spirit of checking everything, they gave me some drops to dilate my pupils to check my corneas. But little did I know, for the rest of the day, I couldn't freaking see. Everything was so freaking bright. And blurry. Well, I can see, but I can't.

If you know what I mean.

Having said that, I drove home by myself. And I high-fived myself when I got home in one piece.
I can't read, I can't cook, well I still did, but really, the whole thing was just a 'guesstimate'.

Anyway, then I asked my boyfriend to drive me to the pharmacy for my eye drops. Guess what, the pharmacy lady told me that one tiny bottle, 5 ml bottle, cost me 50 bucks. And even, if I didn't have insurance, I would have had to pay 98 bucks.

I don't understand, how come drugs are so freaking expensive here, in the US. The country that's supposed to be well-developed and rich. Someone, tell me, where the heck does all that money go?!! To some CEO of the drug company to purchase his/her third beach house? Is it possible that medicine is cheaper in Indonesia? It's outrageous.

Well, anyway, the whole reason why I made this blog is to tell you this. I was nowhere near blind. I was just being a sissy. I still could see things in overall. But after a few hours, I got frustrated and went to bed. I was really frustrated, I couldn't surf the net, didn't know how much salt I've put in my cooking, can't even sign for my credit card charges in the pharmacy. Can't dial the numbers to call my mom. Can't even text her to tell her that I went to an eye doctor.
I mean, man, I can't imagine being blind. Can't, can't, can't imagine how HARD it must be.
I'm just thankful for my health.
That's all I want to say.
I'm thankful that my biggest eye issue right now is just allergy. And that's it.