When I told my mom years ago that I am dating this Seventh Day Adventist Christian, my mom said, "But... you guys have different beliefs. You will have a hard time later in life with this."

I said, "Nah, it's going to be okay. We'll work it out."

Today, I sit here with heavy and burdened heart realizing how right she is. No matter how hard we work it out, fundamentally we are screwed. It's like we stand on the different side of the line of fire, while holding hands, it's crazy.


It's frustrating.

And there's nothing I can do. It's a choice I have made, and I am standing by it. Even though my hands are burning.

BlueCactus Lost Temper... In The Office

As I try to be a non-nazi team leader, I find it really difficult at times to not yell at some of my team members.
I know... that I am not the most patient person. Patience is certainly a virtue, but not mine.

But, believe it or not, I am very patient in the office.
Very patient....
Darn patient, actually.
And that's because I do believe in positive reinforcement.
Besides, I don't yell. That is just unprofessional.
I believe that any issue can be dealt and addressed in a calm supportive discussion.
Criticism can be thrown out. Constructively.
People do make mistake and it is not the end of the world, as long as it is not swiped under the carpet and a week later I smell something funny.
I have to believe in any of my team member equally. Although, in reality some members excel much more than the others, I have to give the same trust and opportunity to all. I have to believe that each one of them is fully capable to be given any tasks.
I have to give opportunities equally.
Push them equally with the thought of 'I-know-you-have-it-somewhere-in-there' kind of attitude.
Knowledge is to be shared. There's no holding back.
I want to know what each member wants, what they are passionate about, give them a chance to grow. Learn. Sometimes fail, in order to learn some more.

That's my Bluecactus-ism in the office.

But today, I really lost my temper.
Not proud of it.

Because, even though I rant a lot outside the office. In this blog. To CDC, or to my mom.
At work, it's off limit.

I slammed the desk, and I said: Darn it, [a team member name here]!!! when I caught that we have this problem.

There was a silence, my best friend jumped to my desk and held my hands trying to calm me down, and my peer, another team leader was just sit there with raised eyebrows looking at me like I grew fangs.

The person I was so ready to eat alive has gone for the day, but still, I do regret what I did.

I have been thinking about it for the whole evening of how I could have handled things better and not burst into a Hulkette in mere seconds.
And no... I was not PMS-ing.
I have tolerance for mistakes. I do not, however, have tolerance for repeated mistakes,... the same kind of mistake on a very plain, simple and straightforward assignment one has been assigned,.... not for the first time, but maybe for the 100th time.
Now, this I consider as negligence.

I might have 1000 different ways to push someone, to motivate someone. But someone who's not willing to be motivated or grow will be a lost cause of my effort. Because it is not up to me to make someone better if the willingness does not come from within.

I grow to love my team. And I want to be proud of them. But frankly it's easier to be proud to some than to others.

CDC is the total opposite of me. When faced with a problem, he would sleep on it.
I would hesitate and finish it off. Hot headed.
Today, I'm going to adapt his approach and sleep on it.

Tomorrow is a different ball game. I hope,... or I demand to be sedated.

Serial Killer, am I?

For the longest time I have always known that I am a loner. I like to be by myself, I have no problem, for example, having lunch down at the cafeteria and sit by myself while other people from the office were at the next tables. I never have the urge to ask if I can sit with them, or even feel uncomfortable sitting alone. Once the boss of my boss even stopped by and asked me to have lunch at his table with some other people. That's was so nice of him, but I politely declined.

At times, I went out for lunch by myself too. I enjoyed the quietness. Not having to make conversation with anyone is at times a bliss.

I don't like talking on the phone. My philosophy is, state your purpose, then say your good byes.

Also, I would love to have a day at work where I'm not interrupted every 10 minutes and just focus on what I need to do. I have a long list of tasks that I want to accomplish before the end of the day and it would be sweet if at least I can nail, like 90% of it. If only I'm not interrupted all the time.

I don't like small talk, especially with strangers, I pray to God every time I board a plane that my neighbors are either sedated, or too wasted talk, or just plain rude or stuck up, so he/she doesn't feel the need to socialize. Most of the time God answers my prayers, but well, let's face it, he's busy too.

So, one day, my boyfriend forwarded me this link. A link about the introverts, and though I know very well that I am somewhat introvert, I did not know how much I fit into the profile of the right column ( the introvert column).

I think of some people to be boisterous. Nice, but very exhausting to deal with. Now I know that it's just how an introvert perceives an extrovert, according to that article.

But look at what the extroverts think of the introverts:
"One of those who like to read. Moody loners. Be careful not to tick them off; some of them are serial killers."

What?!!
Gosh darn it.

I think of them as boisterous, they think of me as a serial killer.

But well, the good thing about it is that maybe, just maybe, they'll stay away.

One can only hope.

Becaust It's Red

My boyfriend asked, sooo... who are you rooting for the Superbowl tonight.
So I said, what colors are their uniforms?
Well, the Cardinals, red, the Steelers, yellow.
What kind of red? The kind like the sweater I am wearing?
Hee hee... I don't know... he took a glimpse (he was driving).... yeah, I guess.
And what about the yellow, is it like that yellow, that road sign over there?
Yup, I guess so.
Hm,... okay, I'll take the red team. It's a nice color.

And that's, ladies and gentlemen, how I lost. Because I like the color red, and now I owe him a half hour head massage.