Happily Broke

We're gonna do the home closing this Wednesday.
After we sign it. We'll be a homeowner.
Sigh...

To think that I came here and lived in a 350 sqr foot apartment where I sleep, study, watch TV, cook, eat in one room, it is overwhelming to think that I am gonna own a house. It's been a long way, you see.

And I know I bitch a lot, because life is not always a joy ride.
But I am thankful. And I am overjoyed.
Broke.
But happy.

And I'm bringing my cactus there, which by the way, now I have the total of three.

Meet Hairy and William. Guess which one is which.

Why Blond?

What is it about being blond?
No, no... I'm not being discontent when I asked that.
I'm just wondering.
There was an article that I read about 7 years ago in National Geographic. My dad subscribed National Geographic and made me realize that beauty magazines are really not 'all that'. Every month, the magazine came and I got the kind of thrill that no beauty magazine could ever provide me.
There was an article, 'Enigma of Beauty', which discussed the plethora of angles about beauty. It was a very interesting, strong article, to say the least. It made me realize why some girls can be the 'mean girls' in high-school. And some can just be some mean bully. Period. And why I had a friend in high school who had a nose job when she was 16.
I think my own beauty rituals too. My eyebrows have to be perfectly arched. My pedicure routine, my blush, my mascara, to name a view. I do limit myself though. believe it or not. I don't want the make up or fashion or trend to wear me. I have to be the one who wear them.

I was in Bali Ngurah Rai airport waiting for our chartered car to arrive, when my 4 year-old nephew staring far across the long hall and he said, amazed and in awe "Daddy, there's a girl over there with yellow hair. Isn't she pretty?" He said innocently.
I and my brother turned our heads and there she was, a little white girl about my nephew's age, with long hair flowing touched by the wind standing there with her family, holding hands with her mom. I could almost hear a Bossa song playing and people moves in slow motion. I guess that little girl gave the illusion of an goddess or something of the sort.
Made me think of a particular part of the article although I'm sure that the little girl's hair color is real:
" Hair-care product companies estimate that in the U.S. 40 percent of women who color their hair choose blond, a choice women also made in ancient Greece."

My nephew likes blond.

Like most men in modern world.

I was watching American Idol finale just now and Bette Middler was singing 'Wind Beneath my Wings'. Her hair has inspired me to finally write about this blond phenomenon. Her hair was so blond, she looked like she hasn't aged (well, I have to admit, maybe other enhancements took place too). Her hair shades reminded me of Marilyn Monroe's hair color. And talking about Marilyn, I can't can't can't imagine her as a brunette. Like that article said, maybe only the hairdresser knew the real hair color for sure.

I just asked my boyfriend when he called me if I should color my hair blond.
He said, uhm,... up to you.
But do you like me being blond?
Uhm,... it's up to you, I don't mind either way.
But, in general, do you prefer blonds?
Uhm, Actually, I like dark haired women. Short dark hair.

I smiled and thought: Well well well. What are the odds? I have a man in the minority pie. Men who prefer dark hair.
This works.
Because I like my hair black. Just the way it is. I'm thinking, if many people are coloring their hair blond, I will actually stand out in the crowd.

We got an email today that some creep was in the women's restroom in the next building. Then he got arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. I wonder what he was doing there. Because, if he got into the wrong restroom, he should have just simply gone back out.

Of course, the world is full with creeps. But this raises an alarm for the girls, because the building management now suggests that the ladies go to the restroom in groups. I mean... not colossally, but with a friend.
Imagine, now you can't even pee and make it your own privacy.
Darn those creeps!

It has been about more than a week ago that my best friend at work told me that she's separating with her husband. Do you know that you have to be separated for at least 6 month before you can actually file for a divorce?

She told me that she has gotten a full load of advise left and right. One girlfriend told her: You and your silly perception of how marriage works! Of course that you should not spend much time with your husband. You are supposed to get out there and have your own fun and not be with him all the time. You'll drive him crazy.
My girlfriend told me: I thought that's the reason why someone would get married. To be with each other. To bond. To be like a set of Siamese twin and finish each other's sentences.

This makes me think of my boyfriend and how he always welcome some time of solitude and I start to think that he might actually see too much of me. Which is funny because in the old days when we're not dating yet, he always tried to come by, and at that time I was 40 miles away in downtown. Now, it is only 9 miles away and I don't see any intensity of him coming to my place.

I don't know much about marriage because I'm not in one. Yet. But, since I'm heading that way, and all most of the people I know in marriages are in agony, I'm pretty discouraged. Well, shouldn't I be? And this theory about not being around your husband or you'll drive him away, I think is a load of crap.
I think I just don't see how that is considered a marriage. You might as well be single.

I think though, despite all that, marriage is about taking risk anyway.
I know someone who's been cheating on his wife even to the point that he was in bed with someone else when the wife gave labor.
I know someone who's into his secretary rather than his wife.
I know a girl who celebrated her bachelorette night with an ex-boyfriend.
I know a wife who gave birth to a son, who's not her husband's.
I know someone who ran away with some other woman, leaving the wife 3 months pregnant.
I know all sort of horror stories, real people. People that I know. Real lives.
And yet, I'm still hopeful that mine will work.

Stupid and naive?
I guess.
Because, if I don't give it a try, I'll wonder forever of the possibility that I pass on a happy life.
And that... that'll drive me crazy.

We're buying a house

I think I'm coming down with something. And I think I'm coming down with something because I'm all stressed out.

I & my boyfriend are buying a FREAKING HOUSE. I think all the tension has finally affected my immune system. I have been on the phone the whole day with my boyfriend, my mortgage broker, my lawyer, my Realtor, my mom, my dad, my house inspector,.... all in the office, balancing with the usual manic Monday.

Never in my life I can really feel my immune system starts failing on me by the hour. I need some sleep.

But on the lighter note,...
I am buying a freaking house.
I have a house.
With a fireplace.
And big kitchen.
With a balcony facing a golf course.
Oh how I love balconies.

This stress is totally worth it.

Party of One. Yes, One.

I went for Dim Sum by myself today. Shrimp dumpling, chicken feet, chives dumpling,... hm,...
So I took a shower, I drove & entered the restaurant.
The host asked: "How many?" Asking me, how many people will it be in my party.
I said: "One!"
Then she said: "Sorry?"
I said: "Just one."
Then she said: "I'm sorry, I don't understand that."

Uhm,..
So, I pointed my index finger up in front of her and tried again "One person only."
"Oh,..." (a very brief pause) " Please follow me" She said nicely.

Then I was escorted to a table and the waitress hurried up to my table and asked the hostess "How many?"
Then the hostess said "Just one."
"Just one?"
Man,... don't people go to eat just by themselves lately?
I do wonder if they really find it that odd? Because I couldn't care less. It is as simple as this: I had some craving for dim sum and my dim sum buddies are all gone, and my boyfriend doesn't eat pork or seafood. So,... party of one it is.
Just fabolous me.
But if it is easier for them to see, I will bring my ducky stuffed animal next time to sit next to me and claim party of two instead.

All of you who are the youngest in the family, raise you hand!
I betcha that you have felt the syndrome of the-baby-in-the-family treatment from your parents.
Isn't it crazy that even when you are fully capable, fully independent, fully grown they still try to make the decisions for you?
My dear old dad still needs reminder that he should kick back and relax and let me do my own thing. Last week, he just did something that realllly realllly tested my nerves. Like, approaching my boyfriend's extended families and formed a plan (or I should say, threw some ideas up in the air) on behalf of me and my boyfriend.
Yup, without consulting me.
And yup, without consulting my boyfriend.
I don't think he ever approached my sister-in-law or brother-in-law's directly like that.

Dear dad has this tendency to take care of me, since, forever. In the past, before I went here, to the US, I was driven around by him or whoever that has the time, and at a certain period of times had a designated driver to drive me around. Meanwhile my sister was jumping in and out of busses like a pro. I never wrote a check, never knew how to write it, never pay a bill, didn't know how to pay it anyway. So, when I got here, it was kind of embarrassing to consult someone on how to actually write a check.

So, I was mad, obviously, when he took matters to his own hand. MY matter. Although I know, dear dad... he's at the age when most men would start having this post-power syndrome, or whatever it is called, and this might be part of that doggone thing.
So, I talked to him letting him know, in a very nice way, that he needs to get through me for any brilliant ideas that he has, and let me talk to my boyfriend, and let my boyfriend talked it out with his family. But, that didn't work.
Well, dad,... you asked for it. So,... I talked to my mom and let her tell him. Mom is great. She gets the work done.

How mad can you be to your dad, though? Though you most definitely have your downs and disappointments and disagreement. I hated his guts at times. I hated the fact that he hated most of my boyfriends and gave them such a hard time. Hated that he never really have enough faith in me and my driving the car. Hated his paranoia when I went out with friends and hadn't been back past 10 freaking pm. Hated the fact that he was very short temper, and that I inherit it from him. I hate it that he never really taught me what it is that he is doing in the office.

But, these past years, every time I saw him, his aging process was very visible. Every time I saw him, he looked much more older than the last time I saw him.
And it broke my heart.
The bad-quality pictures that he sent still showed his gray hair, gray mustache, wrinkles and wattle.
I remember he said when I was like, 13 or 14, "Cil, find a guy that loves you. The one who loves you so much that he would give up everything for you." I remember thinking, ah,... piece of cake. And apparently, it wasn't a piece of cake.
I also remember he said when using knife for self-defense, stab hard....
And, another good one, don't let a guy buy you off with jewelry. Especially if you don't even like the guy.
Be a lady. Don't swear.
Or some of his fantabulous ideas like: "Do you want to learn how to golf? It might be useful one day when you are an adult and need to lobby some big shot VP". Yeah,... but I was only 16 or 17.

Dearest dad. I think I'm not mad at him anymore.
I actually kinda miss him.

I want my money... now, B****!

It went bankrupt

In the event of finding a better job, I searched for all the companies I can remember that had interviewed me in 2004 and turned me down because of my lack of experience. Hey, who knows that now they found me appealing enough to join the group.
I remember my first, ever, interview in the US to a company in the Chicago loop area. I was sooo nervous and I was desperately hopeful (finding a job when you are jobless and only given a limited amount of time to find it is no fun ride, you know). And they turned me down.

Hm,... which is fine coz at least I get a feel of what an interview is like and learn what I have missed & haven't nailed.

So, I search the website for that company and found out... just now... that they have gone bankrupt.

Thinking of that movie, sliding doors, and where I would be today if they had accepted me to the company and then they went bankrupt and ditch my ass to the curb.
Maybe I should feel lucky right now.

Warty no more

I need to scratch Warty out since it is brought to my attention that Warty also an ,.. uhm.. not so interesting Indonesian names (sorry for people named Warti, nothing personal).

So... let's the contest begin. Let's name her, so I can re-do the birth certificate.

Meet Warty - my new cactus plant

I bought a cactus plant in Ikea today. She's a red head with 3 warts.
I guess it's a good little distraction for me to take care of plant.
Uhm,.. maybe talk to it.
Like a friend, or shrink.
Just like Tom Hanks to that volleyball, Wilson.
(Wink)
I saw a spoof of the 'Cast Away' and the dude was talking to a basketball named 'Spalding' instead. I found it really funny.

Anyway... I guess, I have procrastinated enough. I desperately need to do my taxes.
Off I go.

Send In The Clowns

I got friends emailed or texted me left and right after my last blog entry,... which was really nice. I think there the compelling need from my side to say thanks. So, thank you.
Although, I didn't mean to make it sounded like a high octave drama when I madly typed it. So, so sorry if you guys think I was about to gulp down a glass of clorox or something stupid like that.

I guess, life is about ups and downs. Not that I don't know that, but I just have to prepare myself for more downs after some downs. I was mad. And, btw, I still am. And I don't know if it is more of the mad side or, actually, the frustrated side. Anyhow, I just read that meaning of the title 'Send in the clowns' the infamous sad suicidal song (Barb Streisand) was to refer to the fact that in the circus, traditionally, clowns are summoned to distract the audience attention, when disaster strikes.
That would be, the best song for me at the moment, although, the actual song seems to have something to do with a one sided love, which is not my case.

This past week, I've gone through the break down phase, then, mad phase, then now, the withdrawal phase. I guess?
I don't know anymore, but I know that I am mad. To fate.
I know. Dangerous huh? To be mad at fate, for all you know before I finish up this entry, I might have already been struck down by lightning or something, regardless the fact that I am indoor.
Karma comes instantly, right, Nad?
In the effort to bring me to see this from a better angle, my roommate presented me with the logic that if I am mad with fate, then since my fate is in my own hands, then it means that I'm mad at myself.
Then the bitter me answer that this is not something that I can hustle with my own hands, because it's not a fair game and I'm not in control of what I can do about it If it is something I can hustle, then I would and I'd deal with it.
I was pretty much determined to be bitter. But aside from the bitterness, when I am mad, I tend challenge back whatever it is that made me mad. So, my madness has gotten me saying to my fate that I refuse to be broken down like this. So,...
Bring it.
Bring it on.
Whatever that I need to go through, bring it.
And I'll survive it.
Let it pour since it is already raining anyway.
I'll be soaking wet, but I'll survive this. One way or another.

So, right now, my set of clowns are working hard out there with the bicycles, umbrella, balls, throwing pins up in the air. I think they're gonna have to be out there for quite a while. I'm even preparing my second shift of clowns.
So send in the clowns. Shift after shift after shift.

Disaster will end sooner or later. And full of bruises I might be by then, but I'll survive this.

It has been a long day.
I got some bad news and I was unprepared.
I wonder how would one react when getting bad news on the phone while one's co-workers left and right were chatting happily, laughing with you. Do you still laugh out of courtesy?
I did.
For 2 seconds.Then I thought, I had to go somewhere else, because two seconds were the maximum that I can fake it. And my two seconds was up.

What do you do when the dearest person in your whole world is down about the news? I thought to myself when I heard the news, I have to be the stronger one, I have to hold it together. Because if I break down, he would too. I have to give him encouragement.
Then what I did was to comfort him, while I felt like I could't breathe. I went out without my jacket and just sit outside the office building to get some air.

Then I went for a ride after work. I blasted the music so hard, I can bet that even if a police siren was right behind me, I wouldn't hear it anyway.

And I noticed that even when it's not raining, the world was pretty much dark when your heart is. Some cruel joke my life has played. It made me so mad that I want to throw. Speed. Slash. Slit. Push. Explode. Crush.
All sort of vandalism.
Instead, I went to the grocery store. I crossed the street from the parking lot without looking. Luckily the car stopped. I walked to the frozen section and felt all choked up. I had to stop to pull myself together, turned my face away from anyone who might see and stood there in front of the chicken section, staring at the lifeless pale meat.
Then I went to the cheese section. Grabbed a jar of blue cheese and went to the sales person there.
I meant to say "excuse me". But I stood in front of him, and he looked at me and I opened my mouth, and nothing came out.
No sh**.
I inhaled and forced out some voice.
"Excuse me, Could you check if you have any more of this inside? This is the last one".

In times like this, I, who are a believer of karma, can't stop thinking what I did wrong that made this happened?
All sort of events blinked in my head like 20 different occasions in a second.
My head is spinning. The time I was mad at my mom. Or dad. Or my sister. Or brother. Or people on the road. When I said things I shouldn't say or did what I shouldn't do.
But I wish that after some downtime, I will have some up time. Unlike this.
I'm down here already, and the light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer than ever.

My chest hurts.

Porn

I heard from my mom that my nephew brought back news right after school to his dad that a friend of his was suspended from school for 2 weeks.
Why?
Because during computer class, in the comp lab, that little nine-year-old kid was surfing a porn site. And the teacher caught that.

My nephew is a very geeky smart kid. Very nice kid. Very naive. But, boy, I tell ya, with peer influence like that, I'm fearing for his innocence.
Now, of course, we all experienced this kind of discovery when we are much younger. Some maybe experienced a lot sooner than some others, some maybe exposed more than some others. A friend told me that her dad gathered the family and dropped a bunch of adult magazines and said "Here, if you have to see it behind me anyway, I'd rather you see it in front of me." My friend was only like 14-15 year old.
Wow.
More of it, my boyfriend mentioned like ages ago, that porn industry is one of the biggest internet industry, I don't think this industry is gonna die down. Ever. I just don't understand how it works, is it free for public? Don't you have to register & give your credit card number first to view them?
I don't know.
But the picture of a nine-year-old surfing it is pretty horrible.
El mundo loco.

And when my mom told me over the phone about that, I screamed "Aaaarrgghh..., seriously??"

Then the next thing I thought was, Oh Gosh, I can't even handle this news. It's not even my kid, and it's not him that got the suspension. I'm so gonna be a control freak mom, the type of mom that I do not want to be.

I love my mom, but one of the many things I learned from her is not to be as controlling as her. Sigh, And THEN, the next thing after the previous next thing that I did was giving my mom instruction to tell to my brother to buy parental control softwares to install in their PCs/laptops. I was horrified. From the news and for hearing myself behaved like that.

But anyways, 'nuff about this. People with kids... be aware, and good luck to y'all. God Speed.

I have this Bush quote generator from google & looovee it!
If only we have quote generators for those Indonesian officials too.

Anyway...
Something that I thought was hilarious:


"I've been talking to Vicente Fox, the new president of Mexico -- I know him -- to have gas and oil sent to the United States ... so we'll not depend on foreign oil."
- George W. Bush October 3, 2000

I was driving home from a dinner date with my boyfriend. The weather was nice, today we reached 63 freaking Fahrenheit degree, for crying out loud!!! Yeah!
Life is good, I cracked my windows open a bit, put on my swing out sister CD, belted out 'Am I the same girl?', then while I was trying to hit the high note, I was screaming, singing out loud, I saw a dead 'thing' on the road. right in front of my car.
That 'dead something' most probably was either a gigantic mouse, or squirrel, without the head. And it was too late for me to avoid it, so I had to run over it. I could feel the bump, first on my front left tire then the back left tire.
I was opening my mouth anyway (from singing), but my singing became a real scream.
Aaarrrggghhh...
Yuck yuck yuck YUCK!
AAAARRRGGHHHH.....
Aaarrghhh!!!

I have this OCD thing, where I can't touch even a picture of scary creatures like the ones in national geographic (perfect example would be: pictures of tape worms, or dust mites). And apparently, today I found out that I also can't ran over anything yucky with my car without feeling like I actually step them over with my bare foot.

I know. I'm weird.

Moral of the story: when singing in the car, keep your eyes locked on the road. Don't squint your eyes when hitting the high notes.

well = shop

In the past I would care about this, but not today. And not anymore.
I had set my priority straight, and that didn't make it to the top list.
Isn't it liberating when you throw away the pebbles in your shoes (Especially if your shoes happened to be a pair of knee high boots)?
Then you walk comfortably, you walk tall, you walk straight. No, you don't even walk anymore.
You glide.
I have started to be well and I feel calmer than I can remember.

I know I'm starting to be well once I gained my primal instinct back: shopping.
We're going to the big gigantic outlet mall this weekend.

I guess after doing some impromptu soul searching I found out I don't really miss home.
I just need to save myself from being this corporate bitch and gain my self respect back and get me a new job. I don't do well with office politics. I hate it.
Yeah...
That's it. It's a weird conclusion, I know, but I have the long explanation that you might not really care much about.
And don't ask me what I mean by it, I am too spiteful right now to even think about it.
It weird though how I started to gain my sanity back. It all started in Galena about a month ago when I went to some cute stores that sells cute useless stuff. I always thought that 99.99% of them are junks. But over there, I read a quote from Mary Anne Radmacher, whoever that lady is: "Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is."

Let's see:
Live with intention. Checked.
Walk to the edge. Not checked. What does it means anyway? What if someone is afraid of height?
Listen Hard. Checked, at least I thought I tried.
Practice wellness. Not checked.
Play with abandon. Undecided. Again... what is it that we are talking here? Hm,... you know what. Unchecked.
Laugh. Checked, big time. I love comedy. I even laugh at past tragedy. Right roomie? Tragedy + time = comedy.
Choose with no regret. Checked. I don't do regrets.
Appreciate your friends. Checked. Someone doesn't think so? We'll talk.
Continue to learn. Checked!
Do what you love. UNCHECKED!!!!! That's when I realized. That's when it all began. Bitch slap to my sanity.
Live as if this is all there is. Well,... sigh... sadly unchecked.

And looking at the summary above.
I'm not well. I can't even check 'practice wellness'.
I looked back and thought that I would've checked that one in the past.
Being an adult changes you. Sometimes to the better, but sometimes... not really.

But I'm glad I introspected myself and saw my life in perspective again and start doing something about it. Thank God I haven't lost it.

"Seize the moment! Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart." - Erma Bombeck

Bless youtube.com.
I can practically find everything there. I searched 'Jakarta banjir' and got a lot of clips of the flood back home.
Sad... really sad.
But, what does it mean when you look at those sad clips where people are half soaked and then all you think about is 'I want to go home'?
Sigh...
Indonesians are funny, they are walking in the depth of flood and then see a camera rolling, then they make the effort to smile, wave and even try to stick their faces to the lens.
Gotta love the spirit.
I'm sick of always having to hear bad news from home though, I wish there's a way to inject some sanity and conscience to the government that they need more open areas, more parks, less malls, better sewage system, better garbage disposal system. This flood happens every freaking year.
Hello?
You thought by now they would've been picking up the clues.
The slum areas are too much. Something needs to be done there. It is a massive effort, and maybe even impossible. But it just itches me so that not a single thing is being done.
It's like this: I saw the original DVD of An Inconvenient Truth in Walmart, many weeks ago. That dude, Al Gore includes a energy efficient light bulb in every DVD.
Now what are the odds that if I buy the DVD and use that one bulb, I will halt global warming? I think the chance is super slim to none.
But if I do my part, and a thousand other people do too, and maybe not a thousand, but a million or even 10 millions, then it'll finally make a different.
See my point?
Jakarta is a massive city. It's huuuge. But they should start somewhere. Start with an area with bad sewage system, and stop developing those freaking malls! I went home last year and every time I blinked in the car on my way to somewhere, I see yet another mall. It's unbelievable.

I'm an idealist. My boyfriend would've killed my idealistic idea (he's a compulsive realist).
But, do something. Start somewhere.
It's just like doing my laundry. It seems bottomless, but you have got to start somewhere. Right?

You would thought that dating someone for more than 4.5 years would be enough to know the person entirely in and out.

Wrong.

My boyfriend had a crappy day yesterday. It's just one of those days that really just ridiculously unpleasant. See his blog & him rant about it.
People handle anger in many different ways. My boyfriend's way of coping is apparently to totally shut out the rest of the world and withdrawn from everybody. That includes me, his better half.
I ain't no 'better half' yesterday.

I didn't understand this at first since I happen to be the kind of person that would look for a friend to share, dissect, discuss, or even bitch out instead of sulking in my little dim corner. So we are totally in the opposite sides of the pond. And I was pissed because he isolated me, but then I couldn't be, because, heck... his day was so bad, even as I felt pissed, I still felt bad for him.

But anyway, my smart self finally figure out that it was not about me. I guess the extreme analogy is like this: that day, I would have burnt the whole city down, while, he would have closed the business, hung a 'Gone Fishing' sign and been gone for a whole week, which in a smaller scale, he actually did.
Mentally.

So, I told him eventually that it's not really okay. I'd like some warning if he wants to 'go fishing'. I don't want to see the sign while he left already. And he big heartedly said sorry.

In retrospect though, I have dealt in the past with men with anger management issues, who would yell and belittle people when he's mad. Heck, I have had encountered childish men who would punch a microwave and throw stuff to the wall.

So this 'gone fishing' thing. I'll take it anytime, I'll work it out. I'll learn to fish.