It has been a long day.
I got some bad news and I was unprepared.
I wonder how would one react when getting bad news on the phone while one's co-workers left and right were chatting happily, laughing with you. Do you still laugh out of courtesy?
I did.
For 2 seconds.Then I thought, I had to go somewhere else, because two seconds were the maximum that I can fake it. And my two seconds was up.

What do you do when the dearest person in your whole world is down about the news? I thought to myself when I heard the news, I have to be the stronger one, I have to hold it together. Because if I break down, he would too. I have to give him encouragement.
Then what I did was to comfort him, while I felt like I could't breathe. I went out without my jacket and just sit outside the office building to get some air.

Then I went for a ride after work. I blasted the music so hard, I can bet that even if a police siren was right behind me, I wouldn't hear it anyway.

And I noticed that even when it's not raining, the world was pretty much dark when your heart is. Some cruel joke my life has played. It made me so mad that I want to throw. Speed. Slash. Slit. Push. Explode. Crush.
All sort of vandalism.
Instead, I went to the grocery store. I crossed the street from the parking lot without looking. Luckily the car stopped. I walked to the frozen section and felt all choked up. I had to stop to pull myself together, turned my face away from anyone who might see and stood there in front of the chicken section, staring at the lifeless pale meat.
Then I went to the cheese section. Grabbed a jar of blue cheese and went to the sales person there.
I meant to say "excuse me". But I stood in front of him, and he looked at me and I opened my mouth, and nothing came out.
No sh**.
I inhaled and forced out some voice.
"Excuse me, Could you check if you have any more of this inside? This is the last one".

In times like this, I, who are a believer of karma, can't stop thinking what I did wrong that made this happened?
All sort of events blinked in my head like 20 different occasions in a second.
My head is spinning. The time I was mad at my mom. Or dad. Or my sister. Or brother. Or people on the road. When I said things I shouldn't say or did what I shouldn't do.
But I wish that after some downtime, I will have some up time. Unlike this.
I'm down here already, and the light at the end of the tunnel seems dimmer than ever.

My chest hurts.