I guess, each one of us have what they call suppressed memories. The memories that we choose not to remember and bury deep down our subconscious mind.
I think that's what I thought happen to the memory of me putting my dog to sleep. My dog's name was Panda. No, it's not a panda, it's a dog named Panda.
And he grew older we called him grandpa instead.
So, there I was, watching Grey's Anatomy when Grey had to put the dog to sleep. And that dog just looked like Grandpa. And the vet injected it with the drug to stop its heart. Just like my vet did to Grandpa.
I was staring at it and all of a sudden, memories came rushing and flashing before my eyes.
I was crying in the doctor's office. My dad held me. Grandpa was lying with a big fat needle stuck right into his heart. And I could see it moving with the rhythm of his breathing until it finally stopped.
And I carried the body home in a box. And I couldn't stop crying for the rest of the day.
Then, I tried to move on & buried the horrid memory of the visit to the vet, until today.
He was a good dog. Grandpa. He liked mango and stir fry vegetables, believe it or not. He had pink nose and curled up tail. He was handsome, and I think, I should think of him more. Not the sick part, but the happy part.
I hate corny things, but I have to say, that every time my dog died, I grow a hole in my heart, with the shaped of it. And, as time goes by, I found that the pain was just ignored, but never really disappeared. Just like I found out today.
I looked at my blog and thought of how it is so full of memoirs of my dead dogs.
Like a memorial site or something. But they are my darlings. I told my boyfriend just now, that I have decided to not have dogs anymore. For the rest of my life. I don't know if I'm going to stick by it, but I can't go to the vet with a scenario like that again. Ever. And I won't let my boyfriend have the same experience.
And now, I still have two more at home in Jakarta. Two 104-year-old dogs.
If they are human, guess how high their insurance rate is?
Yeah... exactly my thought.